He's President Yoweri Kaguta Museveni. A man that doesn't need much introduction and a man that entertains little opposition.
He does what he wants. When he wants and no amount of pressure - international or regional - has ever stood in his quest to totally vanquish his foes and deify himself across the Land Of The Many Hills.
A former guerilla warrior,and a man with vast knowledge on how to usurp power and keep it,Museveni strides across the African political corridors like a colossus,feared and admired in equal measure,loathed and loved in equal measure.
Nothing fazes him. Nothing stands in his way. And surely,nobody questions him. Or his oft-controversial statements and moves.
He's the man who will insult Luos to their faces during a Migingo Island standoff. And a man who will,while addressing Kenyans from their own stadium in Nairobi,call Pokots and Samburus thieves who have stolen his cows.
He chuckles after every one of his many verbal gaffes. And the World chuckles along... Irrespective of how disrespectful or insulting his statement was.
Enigmatic to the core,and powerful beyond compare,He is Museveni. Or Ssebo. Or M7 according to social media.
And so yesterday,this sphinxlike doyen of African politics was on a little trip from the Western part of Uganda,in Isingiro village to be precise,when he received a phone call - An urgent call that needed urgent attention.
And what happened next blew up Twitter. And shook Facebook,opening up a can of memes that are,to this minute,still Trending.
09.35am : President Is Leaving Isingiro
The motorcade is cruising along Kyeirumba road,in Isingiro district at a speed of 110 Kilometers per hour. It's like twenty six cars all of which are ferrying the President,his press team,his aides,his boys,his papers,his security,his food,his soldiers,his family,his secretaries,his traditional yams,his suitcases,his extra pair of socks,his hats,his shoes,his books and his chair. Yes, chair. The vehicles are shuttling down Kyeirumba road in breakneck speed. The road has been cleared for the Big Man. He is riding in a black,suave Land Cruiser V8 that is between some twenty other cars. Mzee is sitting at the back left of the V8. He's from some conference and he's tired. Mzee is actually sipping some traditional Ugandan tea and biting some mandazi. He's trying to initiate a friendly conversation with his driver who is too scared to talk along. Or laugh with the Big Man. There's only four people in his car. Mzee,his driver and two heavily-armed soldiers. There are more soldiers in the other cars behind mzee. The Big Man is now done with Chai and maandazi. "Pass me the newsipaper Kasingiro..." Mzee says to his aide. He's passed the New Vision newspaper. Mzee sinks his head into it. "Oh Besigye is goin-i to be released today? I didn't even know! Good luck to the poor gentoroman...." He says and laughs. His driver tries to laugh and put on a serious face at the same time.
09.47am...Mzee Falls Asleep
Like I said,Mzee is tired. He's from a World Population conference and they made his sit up all day and make a twenty-hour speech. But Mzee likes talking. And all of his speeches are usually full of blunders and ignorances. He likes to be funny and annoying. Now, the Big Man is tired. And he tells his aides so. "Kasingiro... I'm tired. I need to take a nap. Don't drive too fast Karutunda, I'm tryn-i to catch a nap... He he he" he say and chuckles to himself. And then the Big Man slips away... Into a deep slumber. Karutunda,the driver,is now driving less faster. Mzee is at the back left of the black armored Land Cruiser napping away. He doesn't want to disturb Mzee. Or knock potholes and wake up the Big Man. "Priiiss close that window Kasingiro..."Karutunda the driver says to one of Mzee's security men. Mzee needs to feel warm. Doesn't need to have the wind blowing across his old face while he's trying to catch a nap. And dream about how to jail Besigye next. Mzee is now snoring. Kasingiro wants to take a selfie. But he also wants to stay alive. So,to hell with the selfie.
10.08am - Villagers Line Up The Road
At around the Isingiro Market,the poor villagers of the region are now starting to line up the road in an attempt to catch a glimpse of the Big Man. From one end of the road to the other, villagers are piling up. Most of them look like they've spent the last sixteen days on an empty stomach. And the rest look like they survive on monkey soup. These are villagers. Poorly dressed villagers who,from a far,look like a the cast of the Walking Dead. But they love the Big Man. Even though they cannot really tell what the Big Man has ever done for them. For the last 30 years. "Your Ekisellency... Your Ekisellency.... Villagers want to greet you.... Your Ekisellency...." Kasingiro whispers to the Old Man who is now snoring. "Wake him apu priiss...." Kasingiro tells his fellow security guy Byarugamba. "No... You wake him up..." Byarugamba tells Kasingiro. Finally,Karutunda the driver takes up the challenge. He decides to wake The Big Man up himself. Big Man wakes up. "Is everything oraiti??" The Big Man asks, rubbing his eyes and straightening his suit. "Yes Your Ekisellency.... Yes.... It is... It's just that the villagers are lining up the road-i. They want-i to wave at you Your Ekisellency..." Byarugamba mutters. "Oh! They are already here? Fine! Open-i up the roof... Let me see my people he he he..." Big Man says and laughs. The roof of the Black Land Crusier V8 is quickly opened up. Big Man steps on the foot stool in the car. He lifts his head high and slowly sticks his old body out of the roof of the car,"Ssebo.... Seebooooo" the villagers yell,clapping and cheering. Big Man waves at them and laughs at how malnourished they look. "Kyeirumba Hoyyeeeee" the Big Man roars. Villagers go bonkers. They scream themselves silly. Women almost catch a seizure. "Hoooooiiiyeeeee" the poor villagers cluttered around each other like wild puppies holler back. Big Man is done with the greetings. Remember he's tired. He needs to wiggle back into his seat. And wave from the window instead. Villagers can't stop screaming. Mama Bushongere is almost removing her clothes. The scene is total chaos.
10.49am - The Phone Call
Museveni does not travel with his mobile phone. It has its own special car in the entourage to ferry it around. The Big Man does not need a silly little gadget ringing around him the whole time. He's a busy man. And mostly,an old sleepy man. The only thing ringing in his head is usually the next election. Not some silly little ka-mobile phone. Created by white people. So,as the motorcade passes across Isingiro district,some VIP decides to call the Big Man. The phone is in the other car. A blue Mercedes Benz that is carrying ONLY four things - The Big Man's secretary,the Big Man's Nokia mobile phone ,the Big Man's charger and the Big Man's chair. And of course,a driver. So,as Namusonga is busy minding her business,she notices the Big Man's phone ring. Quickly she uses her own phone to call Karutunda. "Tell His Ekisellency that his mobile phone isi ringing.... It's a Very Important Call.... Tell him NOW. PLEASE!" Namusonga, the Secretary says to the President's Chief security. "Your Ekisellency.... You have an Important Phone Call... It has been declared Very Important-i Sir!" Karutunda says to the Big Man. "Tell them-u I am busy. The President is busy. He will call them-u back later...." Big Man says to Karutunda. Karutunda tells Namusonga that the Big Man is busy. And that he will call back. Namusonga almost goes crazy. "Karutunda! Do you know who is calling?!! Karutunda priiss! Ask the President-i to kindly priss pick this call. It's urgent and powerful!"Namusonga pleads. "Your Ekisellency.... It's a very powerful call Your Ekisellency Sir!" Karutunda begs the Big Man. Big man is now getting pissed and impatient. He stops waving at the villagers and asks for the windows to be rolled up. "Who is this?? Who is that that cannot wait-i for the President-i to call them-u back? Is it The Pope? Or Obama!" the President snaps at his aides. Quickly,Kasingiro the driver is asked to stop the car. All other cars are signaled and asked to immediately STOP. "Your Ekisellency... Let's stop some three more kilometers ahead... For your own safety..."Byarugamba says. And some three kilometers ahead,they stop at a safe, lonely road with no people and no commotion and no noise. "Ask Namusonga to bring me the phone... Tell her to hurry up prisss..." Big Man orders his men. All the cars have now stopped.
11.23am - The Phone Call
All the drivers have been asked to pull over. The Big Man needs to make an important phone call. Namusonga rushes out of the blue Mercedes Car with the Nokia phone tightly clutched in her arms. President's security men have all jumped from their cars and positioned themselves around the whole area. Civilian cars are being ordered to turn around and drive back. Villagers are now being chased away. It's a critical time. And it's a sensitive place for the Big Man to be. All the men traveling with the Big Man are worried stiff. What's going on!? Why have we stopped? Who might be calling the Big Man? This is so weird! They are thinking to themselves. But this is Yoweri Museveni we are talking about. The Most Powerful Man in East Africa. Namusonga brings over the phone to the Big Man's car. Karutunda picks it up and passes it to the Big Man. The President almost collapses upon seeing who is calling him. Surely,this is an important call. It's a dangerously important call. He must pick it up. He's going to risk his life and time for this call. "The Chair! Quick! Get me the chair!" Big Man roars. "Get the chair! Quickly!" Byarugamba orders Namusonga who runs like a crippled warthog to grab the President's chair. Everyone is wondering what's going on. Why is the Big Man asking for a chair? Where does he want to sit? Just who is calling the Big Man? The whole entourage is bewildered. Namusonga brings over the chair quick. It's quickly unfurled and placed by the road side. The Big Man steps off the powerful Land Rover V8 and walks towards the chair. Mobile phone in his hand. "Dial this number for me..." He orders Karutunda. Karutunda dials a number. The President picks up the phone. This call is the Most Important Call the Big Man has ever made. It's a history-making call. He sits on the chair. And says, "Hello Margaret...."
Margaret??? WTF???? Who is Margaret? What is Margaret? Who has ever heard of Margaret? His whole entourage is now wondering....
(TO BE CONTINUED)
