I’ve been riddled with countless emotions over the past couple of months now; anger, denial, hope, understanding and finally acceptance. Okay, let me start this story from the beginning.
I had been dating this guy for the past two years now and I could confidently say he was the love of my life; at least I could until he told me he never wanted to see me anymore.
Pregnancy Scare.
A couple of months back, I had a pregnancy scare and it shook my entire world. I had missed my period for two months in a row but all the pregnancy tests I had taken came out negative. I even ran tests for STDs but everything was negative. I, however, had all the early signs of pregnancy apart from the nausea. I talked to my boyfriend about it but he wasn’t helpful at all.
He kept reiterating that all the tests were negative and that even if they weren’t, he didn’t mind us having a baby. I kept telling him I wasn’t ready for a baby…I was still a baby myself. I knew I couldn’t have an abortion because my gynecologist had already told me that an abortion could lead to me rupturing my womb or even dying. I felt like I was running mad. What did I want to start telling my parents, after I told my mum I was still a virgin? My head was scattering.
playRelief.
I finally saw my period. The day I saw it, I gave myself a sumptuous treat at the Chinese restaurant near my house. It was like someone poured cold water on my head. God was indeed the God that answereth prayers. Apparently, the birth control pills I had recently started had messed with my body, hence all the weird symptoms I had been having.
I was so relieved but after the diagnosis, I promised myself there and then that I wasn’t going to have sex anymore until I got married or I was at least ready for the rigors of having a baby.
No more sex.
I felt so good about my decision…until I told my boyfriend about it. His only retort was “funny joke” and he walked out of the living room where we had been snuggling. Subsequently, we had numerous arguments about it and he vehemently opposed my decision. He explained that he couldn’t have a sexless relationship and he wasn’t ready to cheat.
He said if it was pregnancy I was scared of, he didn’t mind, he was ready to have a baby. I tried to persuade him saying we could do other things apart from have sex but he still refused. So I caved. I told him we could have sex but every time he tried to touch me I either ran away or made an excuse of a headache or tummy ache.
play
After about a month, he got the hint and sent me a very long and carefully worded email. He started by telling me how much he loved me and how he had planned on getting married to me and giving me the life he knew I deserved. He went on about how I had made him a better person and how his life was much better with me in it.
Finally, he said we obviously wanted different things in life and that since we couldn’t reach a consensus it was better for us to go our separate ways. He would rather die than cheat on someone he loves, so he had to let me go. My boyfriend blocked me because I told him I didn’t want to have sex anymore.
Devastation and Hate.
I was so devastated. I considered everything. Maybe I should just go back to having sex; after all I wasn’t a virgin. If he really loved me, why wouldn’t he respect my wishes? Was our entire relationship just about sex? Why wouldn’t he just cheat on me and get sexual satisfaction elsewhere until I was ready? Why was he being so stupid? I hated him so much! Why was he being so selfish? Where was I supposed to start from?
It took me a while to accept what had actually happened and to get over my hate for him. I had to admit to myself that he didn’t owe me anything. I had made a decision that was good for me and he had in turn made a decision that was good for him. The same way I hated him for wanting sex was the same way he hated me for not wanting sex.
Honestly, I respected him for breaking up with me instead of stringing me along and cheating on me with numerous women. Maybe his actions were misguided, maybe breaking up with someone you loved simply because of sex was a terrible idea, maybe I should have just conceded to having sex. Maybe he never really loved me at all. I couldn’t push my desires on him and he couldn’t push his on me either. It was that simple.
playLove is not enough.
I however took two important lessons away from that relationship. One, love is not enough. There are so many decisions that couples have to really sit down to talk about. It might not be sex, it might be religion, where you want to live, how many kids you want to have?
These are the harsh realities that face relationships these days and if you take the leap without really talking about these things it may lead to a relationship casualty. They might seem unnecessary or they might be difficult to talk about but it’s important to air these issues so you each know where you stand in the relationship. Second, this sex thing is a serious something oo…chai!
Anyways, what do you think? Should the success or otherwise of a relationship be predicatedon sex?
