I heard somewhere that women always know when their husbands are cheating but men are the last to know when their wives are having an affair. In my practice, I’m not sure I can verify this statement with evidence from clients’ experiences, but it makes sense in that women are usually more intuitive about the health of the relationship. We are constantly monitoring how well our marriage feels to us and we are guilty of comparing our own relationships with those of our friends. It keeps us more on our toes.
But there are universal signs in this electronic age that can tell us if
our spouse is having some kind of inappropriate interaction, whether it
is an emotional or physical affair. Before we get too involved in
this…let me say that I think spying on your spouse is a bad idea. A VERY
bad idea. It is an invasion of their privacy and it is crossing a
boundary. The signs I’m going to list will not require you to be a
private detective. Just observant. Spying never works. If you do find
something, your spouse will feel betrayed (ironic, but true
nonetheless). The discussions now become centered on your betrayal and
the cheating spouse feels even more justified for having the affair. So
avoid spying…but never stop observing.
Signs your spouse may be cheating.
1. Your spouse has become more withdrawn and distant OR just the
opposite. If your spouse is often lost in his/her own thoughts, sharing
less about the day’s events or engaging less with the family, I would
ask questions. It could be they are more stressed, feeling depressed or
anxious but you need to inquire how they are doing. The opposite can
also be an indication. Spouses who are cheating are often feeling
extremely guilty and they will become more attentive and generous. Also,
new relationships often produce adrenaline highs that improve mood.
Your spouse may be much more cheerful and energetic.
2. Increase or decrease in sexual activity. For the same reasons as I described above.
3. Missing time or money. Your spouse isn’t where they are supposed to
be. They seem to be having to work late more and more often. There are
charges that cannot be explained or money that is missing from ATM
withdrawals. It’s hard to cheat without hotel and restaurant expenses.
4. Guarding the cell phone. If your spouse is protective over their
phone and this is new behavior, I would wonder why. New passwords that
have been changed or didn’t exist before is also an indication. This is
also true for other accounts like email and Facebook.
5. Increased texting and/or computer time. Chat rooms online, emails and
other computer programs make it easy to hook up in secrecy. If your
spouse is always on the computer, phone or iPad, it may be time to ask
questions.
6. Your spouse gets angry when you ask him/her if there is someone else
or something going on. There is a right and wrong way to do this so pay
attention. If you think your spouse may be having an inappropriate
relationship with someone, tell him/her what you have noticed that has
caused you to worry. Don’t accuse and don’t be snarky or mean. Just tell
your partner you have concerns and explain the behavior you have seen
that causes you to worry. If you ask your spouse without being
accusatory or degrading, he/she should be able to respond in kind.
Oftentimes a spouse will blow up in anger or make you feel you are crazy
so you will back off. Your question has now threatened the cheating
spouse’s entire world and this can very likely provoke an attack. If
nothing is going on, your partner may be surprised or wondering why you
are asking, but once it is clear how worried you have been, the
non-cheating spouse will often want to help you feel better. If your
partner calmly says there is nothing to worry about, but you still feel
insecure and suspicious, it’s ok to ask for passwords or to see emails
and texts so you can be reassured. Make sure your partner knows this is
temporary and will not be an ongoing request. Also let them know you
will never go through their information without their consent.
